Hi Jimmy, I'm not too sure just how much of my history I've told you, but I am sitting here in this house but by the glory, grace, and power of God. Starting when I was very small I was molested by my dad and uncle, as well a kid from school. All my dad could think of was filth and perversion about every single person we would meet. One thing that struck me when I first got glasses in middle school was this old black and white poster in the optometrists office. For a blog I searched online but couldn't find an image of it. It showed a blurry and double vision look at monkey bars and playground equipment. It said something like this is how Tommy sees. This is how Tommy thinks everyone else sees. I think one of the reasons Jesus said prevent not these children from coming unto me is that they are so pure, so innocent. They come out whether they know it or not being led by God to have certain interests. That being said, if they are pushed into the wrong directions by family members, public school teachers, students, church members, etc they are unaware that their home life is any different than anyone else's. On the contrary to those God things (which were always criticized), all day, every day, I was bombarded with everything dirty and filthy at home and later at school. I couldn't be dropped off to grade school without him making sexual comments about the other children, what he would do, what he wanted me to do. He would talk constantly to my brother and I about adult women, and children saying that they liked us, and this is what we should do with them. I think I became reserved and withdrawn because I kept telling him no they don't want to, they don't like me. When I would argue and say I'm not interested, etc, he would find various ways to tell me that he thought I was crazy (wow, I was just now remembering some and for the first time I saw the double meaning. Too unkosher to type). What dad tells their young child that they are insane? He would rent and have me dub his pornography all the time for free by trading items in his Hallmark store for rentals of videos. Around here we look often times at the world as the Matrix. People go around working for fake money (paper that doesn't hold true value), have fake houses, fake wives, fake lives! Whenever I start to make God small in my mind (Leah and I historically have had irrational fears), and fear something that isn't real, and situations that have no power over me, I try to remember just how crazy it was before in the world, and how mighty God is in our lives, in His Word. To the outside world, people thought everything was normal. They think my dad and uncle are great and we were living happily ever after. However for an adult man to be forced to both live at home and go to college, then after labor for money, but still live there is strange. In a Godly sense, He shows Abraham and his descendants where to live and where to go. This is done purely and holy, and the adult men as well as brothers protect the innocence of their sisters. The way the world is today people are eaten up and cast to the side. We have all come together in Christ, His pure family, not my old one. We are extreme cases though where some of our parents had turned evil and had no interest in following Christ. There are only so many times that you can get hurt. To block out the pain I worked mowing and picking up trash around shopping centers. As a 5' 11” man I only weighed in the 120s. In effect I was sort of getting high, or numbing the pain by working myself into the ground and not eating. My worship of money kept my mind busy. My dad also controlled all the food and kept us from eating, all the while he ate plate after plate of meals, snacks, etc, but that is an entirely different story. The older I got my dad and uncle tried to set me up all the time. Being in a very small town everybody knows everybody. When rumors would circulate about filthy things that women were doing, he would even set up dates with guaranteed situations. To be completely honest it was all the power of God that I am still a virgin awaiting marriage. Everyone knew the stories, then he would by mind control over me, casting spells on me literally have me pull up porn of people in town to show him. All day, everyday that is all he could think about. I have nothing but sympathy for those at Teen Challenge, as I remember the days of hearing “I'm gay for this guy, or I'm gay for that guy.” Every battle while I was in the world I tried hard to win, fighting for the cause of purity and innocence. All the while I had no idea of who God was. At Christmas they put up a small wooden manger with a baby Jesus. That is all I knew, except they tried to deflect the “reason for the season” to only be about the Hallmark money making season. I would do what I could to avoid any of the situations he had me picturing. Some evenings the whole family would have to sit down to watch a dirty movie and I would shiver and pull the blanket over my head. I would try to hum or sing la la la to block it out. If I could have crawled out of my body I would have. I know it sounds weird, but from 5th grade on I was kept so isolated that until I met Leah and Michelle I had no friends. I had evil family members and hearing about their orgies at family reunions. I know for many though those people who are thought to be friends, especially the strength in numbers they bring... that peer pressure is incredibly hard to resist in the world without Truth. Eventually though through him talking about it all the time I started to look at porn myself. I had been forced to look at it so much as a child it just seemed as second nature. Maybe this is what real men do? What set me free was before I knew God I would pray for Him to just take it all away. Somehow I knew He wanted me free from my dad, the life of filth and porn. I would pray that he would just take it all away. The funny thing is, starting in about middle school I started thinking I don't want any of the feelings you all are putting on me. I thought without knowing anything about the bible or Jesus on the scriptures of cutting off your hand, your foot, plucking out your eye, or circumcision. I was praying to God that hey, if it is your will, I will cut off my male organization (I read a book from the late 1800s about ladies purity. It politely referred to the male organization and the female organization). I only want to serve you and do things you want me to do. In my 20s was enslaved in this man's house still, but the promises of (what I later knew were) God weighed heavily on my mind. I deep down knew that I was supposed to be married and have children. So during this time I was looking online at match making websites. I was too shy to meet anyone in person. God wanted me to be a strong, confident man, but this was my own protection at the time with no family to rely on. I literally turned off portions of my brain to still function. So these family members made me feel as though I wanted to do things of the flesh, but deep down my soul was trapped in this body! I was saying NO, NO, NO! So I I talked to a females here and there. Either we would have nothing in common and conversation would die, or it would start out ok, but eventually, as it is in the world, the conversation would get a bit forward. This is when the normal man would initiate something in person, but I always backed off and disappeared into the night. I only got a hamburger with 2 or 3, and even then it was a very quick eat and never talk to each other again situation. I'm sure I came across as the strangest, most socially awkward man ever, and I praise God for it! It was almost like Genesis 20 where God says “I prevented you from sinning against me.” Eventually I met Leah on farmersonly.com. Well, our conversations were leading me closer and closer to the Spirit. Every day we would type out mile long emails on everything Kansas, petsitting and God. Well at one point she closed her eyes and clicked send on her writing about God's plan for everyone without birth control, abortion, or sexual sin. At first I was very confused, as this was a 180 degrees from everything I had heard my whole life. It was that day that I felt as though I hit my head. I instantly went from the lie in my head about only being allowed to have one or two children max to leaving it up to God, and that act being for the bearing of children. It was then that I started on super speed with God. I thought wow, God is alright! Everything that I stand for is right here in this book! He started showing me visions of how He is a farmer, and is pure and holy. Likewise, we as men are farmers and pure and holy. We as men when married, care for our wives, and as God loves us and takes care of us, we take care of them as they are the weaker vessel. They in effect are our field, and children are our fruit. God has told us that he will bless the fruit of our wombs, animals wombs, etc. In all these things, mentally casting my body from me, as well as viewing females as someone's sister, future wife, all thoughts just fell away from me. I was finally set free. The key is to not feel guilty because of another's lies, but for anything, we must find that lie that is in our heads. I remembered back to all those times I had battled and argued in my childhood. I fell in love with God right there on the spot thinking of how He had always been battling, fighting for me, alongside me! I flew to the highest of highs. Arguments with my dad would still throw me off to say the least, but I now had greatly improved firepower. I couldn't remember scriptures in the heat of it though. At one point I told him basically that my grandmother died of cancer because the sin of the family consumed her. Side note, my dad and all his siblings were most likely molested too. My aunt never could have children and cried all the time because of it. The Spirit's leading for me is that those acts of violence somehow destroyed her “organization.” She went around being tortured without mercy in high school because she could not sit in the desks. She had to walk all around school with a doughnut shaped pillow as to alleviate pain. She (now deceased, brain cancer), but married my Uncle Sam who when I proclaimed the real truth, was my only supporter. Oh yeah, big surprise, despite being from a completely different family across the country, yeah, he was molested too. One time before I left my dad was yelling at me for eating a small microwave cup of mac and cheese. He said I might as well kill myself if I was going to eat that. I think I just ignored it and started eating. After this he starts in on how crazy Leah and Michelle are. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They are the ones preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He was mad because he had worked so hard to keep me blind, but I was now able to see! Jesus had set me free indeed. I couldn't think of a scripture, so in my argument I yelled in a southern preacher accent, “read your bible, son!” Oh, that was great. Even if you just say the word Bible, or Gospel, it is still ammo! Another time they were demanding that I go to my child molesting uncle's house for a family dinner / get together. Well, I refused and stayed home to email either Leah or Michelle. Well, when dad got home he hit the fan about how embarrassed he was that I wasn't there, and how I was basically ruining their lives. I pointed to the purity ring Leah and Michelle sent me (with 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 engraved inside) and said this is why I didn't go! Your parents want the truth, they just have never known it. They are most likely hungry for it. The keys we have found for us personally is that some people are just evil and not willing to come over to the truth. My dad, uncle, Leah and Michelle's dad and uncle are the same way. Scripture says that a gift spoils the heart. I had through huge battles finally moved out of my parent's house to my small farm, which I had owned but never lived in. One weekend they came out and for almost the first time ever provided some labor for home improvement and brought me some gifts. Because of those gifts I fell into fear and depression. I basically went crazy for a while after that. Scripture says that money is the root of all evil. We must all seek God on how He wants to provide that provision. It is pure and holy for Godly men to have a barn raising, but a gift from the wrong person can really throw off your mind. At the chicken coop a while ago I got the word “my people, gird up the loins of your mind, for a life right with me brings the finest of wines. In doing so, seek ye, first your Lord, your God, what is divine. So I shall breakthrough the entrails of your mind, with mine ye shall align.” 1 Peter 1:13 13 Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 14 as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; 15 but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.”[ I didn't realize that there was a scripture that went along with this. The image I had in my head was that a person's brain looks a lot like the guts in their chest cavity. There are a lot of scriptures on just loins, but I saw how God precisely goes through them like a bowl of spaghetti, cleaning everything out and piecing everything back together. I thought of a movie where someone is gut shot or sliced. They put their hands over their intestines and start yelling someone help me, someone save me. Well, Jesus is the only one who can save us, heal our minds! On my old computer that died this spring I wrote about how doctors and scientists just found out a new, previously unknown part of the brain, which like the Holy Spirit, flows like a river, cleansing it of any impurities. They want a worldly way to speed it up to powerwash out all the impurities. We have thought that the sin of the world and just how rapidly it has changed our society brings confusion that hurts the elderly's brains. In alzheimers disease the brain cannot clean itself and black plaque like stuff builds up in it. Especially since gaining so much weight so fast in my new knowing of Christ, my body isn't used to all the added insulation. I now sweat like crazy and my sinuses get full of mucus, but to me this is a visual outward expression of the cleansing that did and still does occur daily inside of me. Rather than worry about it I try to tell myself, “get it all out!” In the Bruce Willis movie “the kid” he has to hang out with himself as a child. The child comments as to why the adult Bruce has a blinking eye twitch. Later on Bruce sees the child get yelled at by his dad, and the startling event results in his eye twitching. As with everything the devil is the father of all lies. Regardless of where they come from we get set free by uncovering every single lie that is in our minds. No matter where they came from, we get set free, even if we only remember one lie at a time. For many it could be parents telling their children to believe in Santa Clause, not God. It really can be that simple, but there is truth in uncovering lies. Recently I have been trying to avoid any sarcasm or talk that results in lying. Yes the other person is supposed to assume that you mean the opposite, but the devil is the father of them all, so why tell any? Thanks to Justin for the revelation on that one! My problem is that I have always been so quiet and shy that now God wants me to be bold! Anytime I start to feel stress, a panic attack, somehow I am forgetting how God has been fighting right along side of me all along. We have always been on the same team! The key is to go back to when someone first broke your mind. Anyone who wants to eat, breathe, and sleep the Bible like you do was hungry all along. The key to getting completely set free from anything is to remember just that moment when you could no longer fight anymore. The peer pressure got to be too much, etc. When the lie got set, the evil seed was sown. Without the Gospel we can only fight for so long. Praise God, all the sins of ours, or put upon us has been washed away by the blood of the Lamb! He has seen us worthy to bless us with the Holy Spirit! When I hear of someone being tempted, someone hurt and in pain, I think about turning it back around in their minds. I visualize the child rebelling against evil with righteousness! Regardless of the bondage they are being forced into, I see them rising up in the power of God saying “No, Jesus died for me. No, I don't have to!” Praise God, now I don't have to! Today I believe all kids are molested through sexual education. We had several classes in middle school and high school. In middle school I started getting horrible migraines (because my mind was breaking), so I skipped the trip to the health (sex) museum. At one point there is an I believe naked or clear skin mechanical woman talking about her body. Ok, that isn't too weird! I thought I was supposed to play the trumpet like my dad and grandad, through them I was into really bad rock n roll. Most of all I was obsessed with and worshiped money. Now I say I don't have to, or I never wanted to! I never wanted this and it has no part of me! If I hear a song in a store rather than get it stuck on my brain I change the words around. The Rolling Stones time is on our side was playing today. Well, maybe you thought it was on your side young and living in sin in the 1960s, but now you are old, and all that is left are those satanic songs and album covers. No eternity. “Go-oo-ood (God), he's on my side, yes he is. God, he's on my side, yes he is. He's got the angels, they protect me, you'll come running back, you'll come running back, fear and trembling...” or maybe a ending line of “I love you Lord. I love you Lord, I praise you for all you've done for meee!” No matter how silly, I make up words a lot so the dirty lyrics don't stick to my brain. Recently I've felt as though I have been thinking and worrying far too much. I realized I need to start singing God songs. I always had my brain filled with song to soothe the pain in the world, and now it sure is quiet! All I want is the Spirit, but if something comes up that occupies my brain, my cognitive power and time, I try singing a song. I might also say I curse that thought in the name of Jesus, and the first scripture that comes to mind. To be tempted or to lie in fear of something in your past is miserable. That is when we go on the offense. We post on facebook, we write blogs, we read the Word, we listen to the audio Bible. Jeanne Amy told me the story of a man who moved into a town and started telling everyone about Jesus. Everywhere he went that is all he would talk about. Finally towns members said why do you keep talking about Jesus, we are never going to change. He said I am saying these things so that I don't become like you! If we are neutral or on defense, we are in a more weak position. Some situations don't warrant saying anything. However, if we have issues with someone, and it is ongoing, we must say something so that the filth they are saying or what they are doing doesn't get on us. Paul took 3 years to detox from the world and get to know the Lord. We are cleansing our past, we don't want to let in any new lies!C
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